Friday, July 23, 2004

Not the Nine O'Clock News II

1. "Klansman turns pink; Queer Eye for the KKK Guy?"
"'They say it happened because I didn't separate my whites from my coloreds,'
 said Arnie. 'That just goes to show you segregation is the way of the Lord.
 In laundry and also in life.'"

2. "Atkins diet fanatics assault Cookie Monster"
"The relative calm of Sesame Street has been shattered as carb-loving Cookie
 Monster has been attacked three times this month by devoted converts to the
 Atkins diet"

3. "USPS sues internet users"
"The United States Postal Service surprised citizens and lawmakers today by
 filing thousands of lawsuits against netizens with active e-mail addresses.
 Under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, the use of e-mail violates the
 government-approved monopoly  the USPS currently enjoys"

4. "Dell patents 'Reboot and See If That Fixes It' technical support process"
"Dell  explained that this patent gives them an edge over competitors who
 will have to find another way to help customers, or be forced to pay Dell

5. "48-hour Internet outage plunges nation into productivity"
"An Internet worm that disabled networks across the U.S. Monday and Tuesday
 temporarily thrust the nation into its most severe maelstrom of productivity
 since 1992"

6. "U.S. to invade Luxembourg"
"'We've tolerated the insults of that pipsqueak country for too long,' Bush
 reportedly told the Joint Chiefs of Staff at a top-secret White House meeting.
 'It's time to send in the 101st Airborne.'"

7. "In surprise move, AARP backs Logan's run-style euthanasia program"
"Drawing ire from traditional Democratic allies and members of their own
 constituency, leaders of the AARP endorsed a plan being debated in the Senate
 to have every American citizen fitted with an age-determining crystal, the kind
 used in the 1976 sci-fi cult classic Logan's Run"

8. "Top 11 unlikely tech headlines"